Illustrations · Illustration 8from Chafetz Chaim

אֲבָל אִם הוּא מַכִּיר לְפִי הָעִנְיָן, שֶׁהַמְחֻתָּן מְרַמֶּה לֶחָתָן בְּעִנְיַן הַנָּדָן {נדוניה} אוֹ הַמְּזוֹנוֹת, מְּאֹד וּמְאֹד צָּרִיךְ לְהִתְיַשֵּׁב בַּדָּבָר, קֹדֶם שֶׁיְּגַלֶּה זֶה לֶחָתָן, כִּי צָרִיךְ לָזֶה הַרְבֵּה פְּרָטִים:

But if he knows that the father-in-law is deceiving the groom in the matter of the dowry and the food allotment, he must take great counsel with himself before he reveals it to the groom. For this requires several considerations:

א שֶׁיִּתְבּוֹנִן הֵיטֵב, שֶׁהוּא מְרַמֵּהוּ בֶּאֱמֶת, דְּהַיְנוּ, שֶׁיַּכִּיר בְּבֵרוּר אֶת טִבְעוֹ הָרַע אוֹ אֶת גֹּדֶל עֲנִיּוּתוֹ, אוֹ שֶׁשָּׁמַע מִמֶּנּוּ בְּפֵרוּשׁ, שֶׁאֵינוֹ מַבְטִיחַ, רַק לְפָנִים. (וְלֹא יַחְלִיט תֵּכֶף אֶת הָעִנְיָן בְּדַעְתּוֹ לַחֲשֹׁב עַל הַמְחֻתָּן, דְּמִפְּנֵי שֶׁהוּא אֵינוֹ תַּקִּיךְ בְּמַעֲמָדוֹ, בְּוַדַּאי לֹא יִתֵּן לוֹ הַנָּדָן אוֹ הַמְּזוֹנוֹת שֶׁהִבְטִיחַ, דַּהֲלֹא אָנוּ רוֹאִים כַּמָּה פְּעָמִים, שֶׁאֲנָשִׁים כָּאֵלּוּ מְשַׁלְּמִין אֶת הִתְחַיְּבוּתָם יוֹתֵר מִן בַּעֲלֵי הַבָּתִּים הַגְּבוֹהִים).

a) He must reflect well [to determine] if he is really cheating him. That is, he must be convinced of his bad nature or the soreness of his poverty, or to have heard from him explicitly that he commits himself only outwardly. (And he should not conclude immediately to think about the father-in-law that because he is in straitened circumstances he certainly will not give him the dowry or the food allotment that he promised. For do we not see many times that men like these pay their debts more readily than the exalted householders?)

ב צָּרִיךְ לֵידַע, שֶׁאִלּוּ הָיָה הֶחָתָן יוֹדֵעַ זֶה לֹא הָיָה מִתְרַצֶּה לוֹ, דִּפְעָמִים הַרְבֵּה מָצּוּי שֶׁהֶחָתָן אֵינוֹ רוֹצֶה, רַק לְהוֹצִיא מֵהַמְחֻתָּן כָּל מַה שֶּׁהוּא יָכוֹל, אֲבָל אֵינוֹ תָּלוּי בָּזֶה כְּלָל עִקַּר הַשִּׁדּוּךְ, וּבְאֹפֶן זֶה בְּוַדַּאי לֹא שַׁיָּךְ הֶתֵּר זֶה לֵילֵךְ וּלְגַלּוֹת לוֹ. (אִם לֹא שֶׁהוּא רוֹאֶה, שֶׁדְּבָרָיו יִהְיוּ (יא) תּוֹעֶלֶת לֶחָתָן, שֶׁיִּתְיַעֵץ אֵיךְ לְהוֹצִיא מֵהַמְחֻתָּן בַּטּוּחוֹת עַל זֶה).

b) [To reveal it,] he must know that if the groom knew about it, he would not consent to the shidduch. For very often it happens that the groom only wants to get from the father-in- law as much as he can, but the shidduch itself is not affected by this at all. And in such an instance, there is certainly no heter to go and reveal it to him (unless he sees that his words will be of benefit to the groom, that he will take counsel how to get securities from the father- in-law for this).

ג שֶׁמִּצַּד הֶחָתָן לֹא תִּהְיֶה רְמִיָּה, דְּאִם גַּם הֶחָתָן מְרַמֵּהוּ בְּאֵיזֶה עִנְיָן שֶׁיִּהְיֶה, יָצָא זֶה בָּזֶה, וּפָשׁוּט דְּאָסוּר לְגַלּוֹת לוֹ.

c) [To reveal it,] he must know that on the part of the groom there will be no deception. For if the groom, too, is deceiving him in aught, they emerge as "equals," and it is obvious that it is forbidden to reveal it.

וּלְבַד זֶה צָרִיךְ גַּם כֵּן לָזֶה (יב) שְׁאָר הַפְּרָטִים הַנַּל. עַל כֵּן אֵין לְמַהֵר לְגַלּוֹת, כִּי אִם אַחַר שֶׁיִּתְבּוֹנֵן הֵיטֵב בָּזֶה, כִּי נִשְׁלְמוּ כָּל הַדְּבָרִים שֶׁכָּתַבְנוּ.

Aside from this, all the aforementioned conditions must be met. Therefore, he should not hasten to reveal it unless after intensive reflection as to whether all of the necessary requirements have been satisfied.